Quoting Catapult and others

"I wanna be the light that burns out your eyes"- Catapult by Counting Crows

 "It was too much too soon, to shoot for the moon, when your coming from the sun"- She Was The One by Peter Holsapple and Chris Stamey

I guess I am focusing on light and such because lately things seem a bit brighter. Here's hoping it stays that way and that I don't stumble all over myself in the process.

Anyways, that's all for now.

Baja

I have recently rediscovered Chris Isaak's record, "The Baja Sessions". It is some of his previously recorded songs with a scaled back sound, as well as classic oldie's from the likes of Johnny Tillotson, Marty Robbins, Roy Orbison and others. I am absolutely loving it! So much to be said for understated, simple songs being sung with super smooth vocals and arranged beautifully. One thing I really love about Chris Isaak is that his music is not subtle in obvious rhymes, he goes there, unashamedly. Speaks of love as the endless torment that keeps us all clicking, for better or worse. Thinking about it deeply, that is very brave.

On the back of the CD, written almost like a liner note, Chris writes, "If you drive down the California coast and just keep goin' and goin', you'll find yourself in a place called Baja- more cactus than people, more time than worries and surrounded by the ocean and the sea. It's a great place to slow down and play your guitar and the perfect setting for romance. I hope these songs bring a little of Baja to you wherever you are."

This certainly sounds like a setting I am ready for. Even if in mind only. Things are changing and feeling good, I am slowing down and looking at the rolling hills and prairie. I guess that is my Baja. And now it is my turn to be brave.

Update

I've been needing to update this blog for quite a long time now as much has been happening it seems. It seems that way but as I go to tell it, I guess there isn't that much.

I graduated Northeast Community College on May 15th. This was pretty significant for me as it felt like a reflection point for the progess I've been making. I still have a ways to go, but it was good. I start Wayne State in the fall and am hoping that goes well. Change has stayed fairly constant for me the past few years and I think its been good for me.

Other exciting news is that we have reserved time in July to get my dad in the studio. I am really looking forward to getting some of his songs recorded for real. It will definitely be a memory to cherish for a long time to come. I have also starting chatting with a new, super cool chick. Here's hoping things go well on that front as the connection certainly feels legit and real.

So here is wishing all of you well, I will be trying to stay more active with this blog as summer is upon us and things have slowed down a bit.
Cheers-

Guess I'm gonna go it alone (Funny does not trump all)

So I did it. Sort of. I asked the girl if I could take her out sometime. As expected she was very sweet about it, but it seems that she isn't looking for anyone right now and doesn't date. Not sure that I buy that she doesn't date but I suppose I have no reason to not believe her. I kind of got the "friends" thing, but maybe she was just being polite. I am not opposed to being friends. I have in the past said things like, " I don't need anymore fuckin' friends", but I am cool with that. I don't have a whole lot of friends around where I live to start, and for some reason I feel that this girl is pretty awesome and perhaps I could learn things from her, a new perspective maybe.

I think I've mentioned that I am pretty good alone. I like alone time and don't get freaked out about not having a romantic partner in life. Sometimes though, the urge strikes. With this particular girl, it was sudden and strong, both of which are hard to ignore. Maybe I made a bigger deal out of this situation in my head but the strong feelings I have, like this don't come around often and I definitely am not one to ignore them. Nonetheless, I tried and failed. Like the Urge Overkill song says, " I guess I'm gonna go it alone.."

I heard somewhere that as long as you aren't all fucked up looking that "funny trumps all". This theory would explain Jaime Kennedy and Jennifer Love Hewitt, for instance. It is boastful to say, but I think I have moments when I'm pretty damn funny. I can amuse is what I am saying. I was hoping the "funny trumps all" theory would be something to put me over, to at least get a chance. Didn't work out that way.

I'm not gonna ramble on, I am admittedly pretty sad about it, but unfortunately its nothing new. So back to the drawing board perhaps? I don't know. It takes a lot of energy to be into someone, even more to get shot down. I still think she is a real hip, foxy chick, some fella will be super lucky whenever she decides thats what she wants. Damn, I do wish it was me.

Update

So I convinced myself today to end this silly crush, seeing that it wouldn't be fruitful. This lasted less than an hour. Seeing her again reinforced my unfortunate, eventual demise. Damn! I will keep you posted on how this continues to unfold.

On another front, I am working on a few songs! It seems like forever since I have done that. I've floundered about a few stinkers 3 or so years ago, but I think these have promise. I am feeling pretty stoked about it and am enjoying the creative process a bunch. It is a certain kind of high, perhaps this is why I can't find the nerve to ask this gorgeous woman out. A crash right now wouldn't be what I need. Excited as hell about the songs though, and I everytime I see her face.

Regretfully not yours...

Lately I have been seeing things posted on Facebook or other places about living life with no regrets. Basically, how we aren't to regret anything because everything happens for a reason and that whole jive. I think this theory to be complete bullshit. Granted, we are who we are because of choices we've made, but I think it is okay to regret some of those choices. It doesn't mean that we necessarily loathe the life we are living now, it just means we are reflective about things we could have done differently. I am not meaning to say life is to be spent looking in the rear-view mirror and that we should focus on those mistakes, just saying that it is okay to regret them. Saying that we don't regret them is a lazy way of accepting ourselves in a manner in that we can't make mistakes.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I have several regrets. The regrets that I think about aren't specific events (usually). I fucked up a lot and made a ton of mistakes, but what I concentrate on is the time I let fly by being unaware of a great big world, full of great big wonderful things. During the time I spent as a slave to alcohol, most people my age found their way. They may have found careers, wives, husbands; had daughters, sons and moments. The time I spent wasting away not believing in a god damn thing, is what I regret. I think its okay to regret that.

I am the first to admit that I envy. I envy the classmate who had his shit together and found a wife and a good job. Not because I want to be him, just I wish I would have given myself the chance to be him. I may not have done anything the way he did, but I'd have had the chance.

Through the age of technology, I have been able to find some friends in former classmates and various other folks along the way. Specifically, one married woman with whom I chat with frequently. I respect the fact that she is married and have no intention of doing anything to distract or disrupt her union. I just never really knew her before the last year or so and am now wondering why. Where was I when she was out finding her husband? Why was the world so far away from me then? I don't know, but knowing how much I enjoy conversating with her and sharing thoughts and opinions on things, I have to say in a boasting way that her husband is lucky I wasn't around. I would have gone to great lengths to have won the heart of this woman. Instead, I was alone with a 30 pack of Old Milwakee, fighting demons that I was too afraid to take on. I wasted at least 7 years doing nothing and believing nothing. Those of you who knew me during this time and are still around to be here for me, I owe a debt of gratitude unparalleled by any debt.

I am glad of what I am today. I feel like I am in a good place. I regret things, and that's okay. Those of you who say you live a life without regrets, I don't think I believe you.

That was a bunch of stuff I should look at before I post but am not going to.

So, its been a bit since I've posted something, I apologize. I keep thinking that maybe some stroke of luck will hit me with something great to say, sadly though it hasn't.

So what has been new with me? Not much and a lot. I am startled a bit by the going ons of my head and heart lately and have been trying to sort it out without any luck. I don't take myself too seriously anymore. I used to way too much. When notions of love and things come my way, it is usually pretty easy for me to dismiss because it just doesn't seem like a feasible thing to be going on. The reason I convince myself is unbeknownst to me, but things make better since for me that way. I guess I've lost my swagger. I don't know what it is, but women to me these days are an impossible challenge so I can usually wish the longings for companionship I have away.

Lately, I have had the feelings of an all out assault on my heartstrings. The thing is I don't know to trust those strings or not. I find ways of building mountains of expectation in my head, and I really want to be honest with myself about possiblities and chances. In short I am saying I have a crush that I can't shake. Even saying the word crush makes me feel a bit juvenile, but I don't know how else to explain it. I really thing this woman I have a thing for is super cool- but I don't know her. There is the problem. I want to get to know her and find out. She is making things go on in my heart and mind that haven't in a really long time. Thing is, I can't ask her out. I think I can't ask her out. I don't know, maybe I can ask her out. These are the things running around my already pacing mind. What to do?

I could ask her, and I expect to be turned down nicely. She is a sweet girl and I can't imagine her being mean about it, but I can't imagine her wanting to hang with me. I don't know why, maybe its just a hunch and I know that you don't know until you ask, but I don't know if I am ready to ask. I have asked other women out and haven't had a huge problem with rejection, I handle it pretty well I'd say. There is something about this one that has me all torn up. I don't want to deal with her turning me down. I suck at all this business and have lost so much swagger that I have become a babbling idiot when things try to come out. She is younger and I don't really know how things work for people of her age. I feel there is an expectation of having "game" or something. All I really want to do is hang out and for her to be cool and for her to think I'm cool. This doesn't seem like that much of a request, yet I know it is the absolute request.

So I am working on talking myself out of this ordeal. Looking for some bullshit silver lining for standing on the sidelines and saving face. Realistically, this is the smart move. I know I like this girl as a person and I don't need reason not to not and I don't need reason for things to be weird. The idea of starting as friends is cool with me, I hear that is how things should happen. I am incredibly attracted to this girl though, so I'd be going into it dishonestly if I acted like that was my intention.

Trying to pinpoint why this particular situation is so difficult is really bugging me. Do I need to know? Should I even be blogging about?  If you are still reading this, I'm sorry, I imagine it a bore. My blog has turned into an epiphany of self-doubt without resolution. I will try to find something interesting to talk about in the future, like the fact I think marshmallows are evil or something. But for now you are stuck with this shitty babble.

So as I wrote this I have decided that I can't ask her out yet I will. I will keep you posted. I might be still dragging my feet next time I blog. Or I might be blogging about unrequited love and the challenges of being a 30 something aging hipster going to back to school, including lusting after something that will never happen. But that has always been something I do well.

Until next time- Cheers!

Unrequited Love Never Felt Better (In Retrospect)

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, I thought I'd share a little quip about me from the past. Don't worry its not any self-reflective, self-loathing dribble. Well maybe just a little bit, but, oh well.

When I was a sophomore in high school I had an incredibly gigantic crush on a girl a grade above me. I had never spoke to her, just seen her from afar. I had no real idea of what she was about or anything, I just knew I loved her. So after months of agonizing infatuation I decided it was time to do something about it.

She was in my 9th period study hall, so there was no way for me to go talk to her. Maybe I had watched "Dead Poets Society" one too many times but I decided on a plan. I found all of the sappy love poems, lyrics, and philosophies that I liked, added a few of my own, and created 15 pages of unbridled notation on how she was incredible to me. I attatched a note saying who I was and how I felt and decided I was going to give it to her.

My friends were supportive yet realistic and asked me if this was really what I wanted to do. They saw the possibility of humiliation for me, but they knew I was determined. So I think it was spring, I'm not quite sure. On that spring day, I think it was a Thursday and we didn't have school on Friday for some reason, I decided I was going to do it. I was going to hand this pamphlet-thing to her during study hall.

I can still remember shaking and having to force myself out my chair to get permission from the teacher in the study hall, to approach her. I made up some story about needing to return some notes or something to her. So there I was, about to put it all out on the table. The girl who sat across from me was a friend and knew what I was doing. I think she admired it. I walked across the room, placed the poems in front of her and said, " I just wanted to give this to you." I sat down and got a play-by-play from my friend. She told me she was looking at them. Being the pessimist I was, I asked her if she had thrown them away. She hadn't but then my friend said, "Uh-oh!" "Oh my God, what?" I asked.

The girl of my dreams had looked at the poems, whispered something to the guy sitting by her, and passed it around to everyone in her vacinity, and was pointing at me. I don't remember much after that, except for staring at the clock. People were laughing at me, of course. I was devastated. As soon as the bell rang, I headed for home as soon as I could and took solace in my guitar. I called her later and the conversation was short. She asked me if she knew me and I said no, and then she hung up.

This was my first taste of unexaggerated, unrequited love. I'm pretty sure I thought my world was going the end, along with all the aminities of heartbreak at age 16. It was probably the mosty ballsy chance at love I had ever taken.

Thinking back now, it was awesome!!! What I wouldn't give for the exhileration of that moment. I did what I thought was 100% true, unapologeticly, for all to see. How awesome is that?

So Happy Valentine's Day all! Enjoy it! Even if it is a gross holiday, anytime to celebrate love is cool with me!

Stiff Jabs and an Unpenetrable Defense

I am pretty much scared to post this next post because its something that I have been avoiding writing about, but I know I want to. I have avoided the subject with a "stiff jab and an unpenetrable defense. There is something about writing though that brings things around and shed light into situations you perhaps are hiding from.

A couple or so years back my best friend from age 12-22 killed himself. I don't call him my best friend because he no longer was. He had been my roommate with a couple of other fellas and I had decided to move home. He always liked to think of himself as a father figure or something, so he got mad when I moved home. The weird part for me about our falling out is that we never "had it out" or anything. Through friends I found out how disgusted he was with me and that was pretty much it. I don't even remember the last conversation I had with him. You would think that the ages that we were best friends might not be that impactful but he and I knew each other inside out. I knew the real him and him me. That's what I thought anyway. I still am pretty sure that is true. We loathed the fact that people would say that friends in high school never stay close because people change. It still stymies me that it happened to us. From all accounts the fella he turned into wasn't someone I'd want to be around anyways, but nontheless, he was my friend and I loved and always will love him.

I never understood suicide and won't pretend to now and am definitely not going to turn this into that sort of release. Because we had such a falling out I've had a hard time remembering the great times we had together in a positive light. I hate that. We did crazy stupid shit that was a blast. We dealt with break-ups, unrequited loves, and all the other bullshit that people go through. Those memories are so far away now and I don't understand it. If he hated me or is dead they regardlessly happened. I feel like I keep that part away from myself because I am not ready for it. I wonder if that's okay. When my mind goes there I keep a stiff jab and an unpenetrable defense up to keep me out of harm's way. It really pisses me off that I can't remember the good times correctly. It really weirds me out that someone who was that important to me just kind of faded away from me and I him. Unresolved issues are a bitch.

These thoughts are running around my head tonight, the eve of my 34th birthday. His birthday was the day after mine. We had some great birthdays together, I wish I could remember them now.

So as I shadowbox around my head tonight, doing the necessary things to stay victorious I just wanted to say outloud, because that's what words are to me. I love you, man, Happy Birthday to us.

Babbling about love as an enigma

"It's a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma" this is how David Ferries described the conspiracy to shoot President John F. Kennedy. For me its a way to describe love, the romantic kind anyway. I have thought long and hard about this and my opinion on love has varied over the years. As a young man I was determined to find it, loved to write about it, and loved to chase it. In my twenties I thought of it as a waste of time. And now, as I approach my 34th birthday, I have no idea.

I have gotten so used to being alone that I think that perhaps my routines and idiosyncratic behavior may be too much to overcome for whomever I may meet along the way. The thing is that I like being alone, most of the time. I like the peace and solitude of having time 100% to yourself. I find that during this time I can think about things cleary and have complete control of what is going on with me. I am by no means a control freak, however, in typing the last sentence makes me begin to wonder. What I don't like about being alone are times when I am forced to think about being alone. These times are being a third wheel with a couple of whom I enjoy both's company, New Year's eve, and while people watching occasionally seeing a couple where it is evident that their being together makes sense. These are only a few examples but you get the idea. Maybe part of the reason love has eluded me is that I don't know what to do with it when I stumble upon it. I am seriously bad at being a boyfriend. I either for no reason that I can even explain either get bored and end things or I am a smothering idiot who doesn't know how to handle the overflow of emotions of being with someone I am truely excited about.

I see many beautiful women daily. I am awestruck at the beauty of so many women. I no longer have any idea what to say to them which would make myself appealing to them. I can conversate with damn near anyone, but if it is a woman I think of myself as a potential suiter with I talk about random stuff which in no way shows them that I am interested. It is just as well though, I suppose I am content. I think about women a lot, which is natural. I don't wear my desperation on my sleeve like I think I had for a while. It is what it is, and I have no idea what it is. But at least I know that I don't know what it is?

Shadowboxing Fragments

I named this blog "Shadowboxing Fragments" because I sometimes think of myself in fragments. I see myself in pieces distributed throughout different things, times, and places. Shadowboxing refers to practicing with one's own self. This blog will in part be me practicing to be a better person. Some of it may be ridiculous. Some may be completely absurd random thoughts that I even disagree with by the time I am done letting them out. I hope not to offend anyone. I hope this is a vehicle to help me in many ways and if you are along for the ride, awesome. I am puzzled about what to write about but will figure it out. I am hoping to hide less inside the fragments, we will see how it goes.