So, its been a bit since I've posted something, I apologize. I keep thinking that maybe some stroke of luck will hit me with something great to say, sadly though it hasn't.
So what has been new with me? Not much and a lot. I am startled a bit by the going ons of my head and heart lately and have been trying to sort it out without any luck. I don't take myself too seriously anymore. I used to way too much. When notions of love and things come my way, it is usually pretty easy for me to dismiss because it just doesn't seem like a feasible thing to be going on. The reason I convince myself is unbeknownst to me, but things make better since for me that way. I guess I've lost my swagger. I don't know what it is, but women to me these days are an impossible challenge so I can usually wish the longings for companionship I have away.
Lately, I have had the feelings of an all out assault on my heartstrings. The thing is I don't know to trust those strings or not. I find ways of building mountains of expectation in my head, and I really want to be honest with myself about possiblities and chances. In short I am saying I have a crush that I can't shake. Even saying the word crush makes me feel a bit juvenile, but I don't know how else to explain it. I really thing this woman I have a thing for is super cool- but I don't know her. There is the problem. I want to get to know her and find out. She is making things go on in my heart and mind that haven't in a really long time. Thing is, I can't ask her out. I think I can't ask her out. I don't know, maybe I can ask her out. These are the things running around my already pacing mind. What to do?
I could ask her, and I expect to be turned down nicely. She is a sweet girl and I can't imagine her being mean about it, but I can't imagine her wanting to hang with me. I don't know why, maybe its just a hunch and I know that you don't know until you ask, but I don't know if I am ready to ask. I have asked other women out and haven't had a huge problem with rejection, I handle it pretty well I'd say. There is something about this one that has me all torn up. I don't want to deal with her turning me down. I suck at all this business and have lost so much swagger that I have become a babbling idiot when things try to come out. She is younger and I don't really know how things work for people of her age. I feel there is an expectation of having "game" or something. All I really want to do is hang out and for her to be cool and for her to think I'm cool. This doesn't seem like that much of a request, yet I know it is the absolute request.
So I am working on talking myself out of this ordeal. Looking for some bullshit silver lining for standing on the sidelines and saving face. Realistically, this is the smart move. I know I like this girl as a person and I don't need reason not to not and I don't need reason for things to be weird. The idea of starting as friends is cool with me, I hear that is how things should happen. I am incredibly attracted to this girl though, so I'd be going into it dishonestly if I acted like that was my intention.
Trying to pinpoint why this particular situation is so difficult is really bugging me. Do I need to know? Should I even be blogging about? If you are still reading this, I'm sorry, I imagine it a bore. My blog has turned into an epiphany of self-doubt without resolution. I will try to find something interesting to talk about in the future, like the fact I think marshmallows are evil or something. But for now you are stuck with this shitty babble.
So as I wrote this I have decided that I can't ask her out yet I will. I will keep you posted. I might be still dragging my feet next time I blog. Or I might be blogging about unrequited love and the challenges of being a 30 something aging hipster going to back to school, including lusting after something that will never happen. But that has always been something I do well.
Until next time- Cheers!
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