So I convinced myself today to end this silly crush, seeing that it wouldn't be fruitful. This lasted less than an hour. Seeing her again reinforced my unfortunate, eventual demise. Damn! I will keep you posted on how this continues to unfold.
On another front, I am working on a few songs! It seems like forever since I have done that. I've floundered about a few stinkers 3 or so years ago, but I think these have promise. I am feeling pretty stoked about it and am enjoying the creative process a bunch. It is a certain kind of high, perhaps this is why I can't find the nerve to ask this gorgeous woman out. A crash right now wouldn't be what I need. Excited as hell about the songs though, and I everytime I see her face.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Regretfully not yours...
Lately I have been seeing things posted on Facebook or other places about living life with no regrets. Basically, how we aren't to regret anything because everything happens for a reason and that whole jive. I think this theory to be complete bullshit. Granted, we are who we are because of choices we've made, but I think it is okay to regret some of those choices. It doesn't mean that we necessarily loathe the life we are living now, it just means we are reflective about things we could have done differently. I am not meaning to say life is to be spent looking in the rear-view mirror and that we should focus on those mistakes, just saying that it is okay to regret them. Saying that we don't regret them is a lazy way of accepting ourselves in a manner in that we can't make mistakes.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I have several regrets. The regrets that I think about aren't specific events (usually). I fucked up a lot and made a ton of mistakes, but what I concentrate on is the time I let fly by being unaware of a great big world, full of great big wonderful things. During the time I spent as a slave to alcohol, most people my age found their way. They may have found careers, wives, husbands; had daughters, sons and moments. The time I spent wasting away not believing in a god damn thing, is what I regret. I think its okay to regret that.
I am the first to admit that I envy. I envy the classmate who had his shit together and found a wife and a good job. Not because I want to be him, just I wish I would have given myself the chance to be him. I may not have done anything the way he did, but I'd have had the chance.
Through the age of technology, I have been able to find some friends in former classmates and various other folks along the way. Specifically, one married woman with whom I chat with frequently. I respect the fact that she is married and have no intention of doing anything to distract or disrupt her union. I just never really knew her before the last year or so and am now wondering why. Where was I when she was out finding her husband? Why was the world so far away from me then? I don't know, but knowing how much I enjoy conversating with her and sharing thoughts and opinions on things, I have to say in a boasting way that her husband is lucky I wasn't around. I would have gone to great lengths to have won the heart of this woman. Instead, I was alone with a 30 pack of Old Milwakee, fighting demons that I was too afraid to take on. I wasted at least 7 years doing nothing and believing nothing. Those of you who knew me during this time and are still around to be here for me, I owe a debt of gratitude unparalleled by any debt.
I am glad of what I am today. I feel like I am in a good place. I regret things, and that's okay. Those of you who say you live a life without regrets, I don't think I believe you.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I have several regrets. The regrets that I think about aren't specific events (usually). I fucked up a lot and made a ton of mistakes, but what I concentrate on is the time I let fly by being unaware of a great big world, full of great big wonderful things. During the time I spent as a slave to alcohol, most people my age found their way. They may have found careers, wives, husbands; had daughters, sons and moments. The time I spent wasting away not believing in a god damn thing, is what I regret. I think its okay to regret that.
I am the first to admit that I envy. I envy the classmate who had his shit together and found a wife and a good job. Not because I want to be him, just I wish I would have given myself the chance to be him. I may not have done anything the way he did, but I'd have had the chance.
Through the age of technology, I have been able to find some friends in former classmates and various other folks along the way. Specifically, one married woman with whom I chat with frequently. I respect the fact that she is married and have no intention of doing anything to distract or disrupt her union. I just never really knew her before the last year or so and am now wondering why. Where was I when she was out finding her husband? Why was the world so far away from me then? I don't know, but knowing how much I enjoy conversating with her and sharing thoughts and opinions on things, I have to say in a boasting way that her husband is lucky I wasn't around. I would have gone to great lengths to have won the heart of this woman. Instead, I was alone with a 30 pack of Old Milwakee, fighting demons that I was too afraid to take on. I wasted at least 7 years doing nothing and believing nothing. Those of you who knew me during this time and are still around to be here for me, I owe a debt of gratitude unparalleled by any debt.
I am glad of what I am today. I feel like I am in a good place. I regret things, and that's okay. Those of you who say you live a life without regrets, I don't think I believe you.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
That was a bunch of stuff I should look at before I post but am not going to.
So, its been a bit since I've posted something, I apologize. I keep thinking that maybe some stroke of luck will hit me with something great to say, sadly though it hasn't.
So what has been new with me? Not much and a lot. I am startled a bit by the going ons of my head and heart lately and have been trying to sort it out without any luck. I don't take myself too seriously anymore. I used to way too much. When notions of love and things come my way, it is usually pretty easy for me to dismiss because it just doesn't seem like a feasible thing to be going on. The reason I convince myself is unbeknownst to me, but things make better since for me that way. I guess I've lost my swagger. I don't know what it is, but women to me these days are an impossible challenge so I can usually wish the longings for companionship I have away.
Lately, I have had the feelings of an all out assault on my heartstrings. The thing is I don't know to trust those strings or not. I find ways of building mountains of expectation in my head, and I really want to be honest with myself about possiblities and chances. In short I am saying I have a crush that I can't shake. Even saying the word crush makes me feel a bit juvenile, but I don't know how else to explain it. I really thing this woman I have a thing for is super cool- but I don't know her. There is the problem. I want to get to know her and find out. She is making things go on in my heart and mind that haven't in a really long time. Thing is, I can't ask her out. I think I can't ask her out. I don't know, maybe I can ask her out. These are the things running around my already pacing mind. What to do?
I could ask her, and I expect to be turned down nicely. She is a sweet girl and I can't imagine her being mean about it, but I can't imagine her wanting to hang with me. I don't know why, maybe its just a hunch and I know that you don't know until you ask, but I don't know if I am ready to ask. I have asked other women out and haven't had a huge problem with rejection, I handle it pretty well I'd say. There is something about this one that has me all torn up. I don't want to deal with her turning me down. I suck at all this business and have lost so much swagger that I have become a babbling idiot when things try to come out. She is younger and I don't really know how things work for people of her age. I feel there is an expectation of having "game" or something. All I really want to do is hang out and for her to be cool and for her to think I'm cool. This doesn't seem like that much of a request, yet I know it is the absolute request.
So I am working on talking myself out of this ordeal. Looking for some bullshit silver lining for standing on the sidelines and saving face. Realistically, this is the smart move. I know I like this girl as a person and I don't need reason not to not and I don't need reason for things to be weird. The idea of starting as friends is cool with me, I hear that is how things should happen. I am incredibly attracted to this girl though, so I'd be going into it dishonestly if I acted like that was my intention.
Trying to pinpoint why this particular situation is so difficult is really bugging me. Do I need to know? Should I even be blogging about? If you are still reading this, I'm sorry, I imagine it a bore. My blog has turned into an epiphany of self-doubt without resolution. I will try to find something interesting to talk about in the future, like the fact I think marshmallows are evil or something. But for now you are stuck with this shitty babble.
So as I wrote this I have decided that I can't ask her out yet I will. I will keep you posted. I might be still dragging my feet next time I blog. Or I might be blogging about unrequited love and the challenges of being a 30 something aging hipster going to back to school, including lusting after something that will never happen. But that has always been something I do well.
Until next time- Cheers!
So what has been new with me? Not much and a lot. I am startled a bit by the going ons of my head and heart lately and have been trying to sort it out without any luck. I don't take myself too seriously anymore. I used to way too much. When notions of love and things come my way, it is usually pretty easy for me to dismiss because it just doesn't seem like a feasible thing to be going on. The reason I convince myself is unbeknownst to me, but things make better since for me that way. I guess I've lost my swagger. I don't know what it is, but women to me these days are an impossible challenge so I can usually wish the longings for companionship I have away.
Lately, I have had the feelings of an all out assault on my heartstrings. The thing is I don't know to trust those strings or not. I find ways of building mountains of expectation in my head, and I really want to be honest with myself about possiblities and chances. In short I am saying I have a crush that I can't shake. Even saying the word crush makes me feel a bit juvenile, but I don't know how else to explain it. I really thing this woman I have a thing for is super cool- but I don't know her. There is the problem. I want to get to know her and find out. She is making things go on in my heart and mind that haven't in a really long time. Thing is, I can't ask her out. I think I can't ask her out. I don't know, maybe I can ask her out. These are the things running around my already pacing mind. What to do?
I could ask her, and I expect to be turned down nicely. She is a sweet girl and I can't imagine her being mean about it, but I can't imagine her wanting to hang with me. I don't know why, maybe its just a hunch and I know that you don't know until you ask, but I don't know if I am ready to ask. I have asked other women out and haven't had a huge problem with rejection, I handle it pretty well I'd say. There is something about this one that has me all torn up. I don't want to deal with her turning me down. I suck at all this business and have lost so much swagger that I have become a babbling idiot when things try to come out. She is younger and I don't really know how things work for people of her age. I feel there is an expectation of having "game" or something. All I really want to do is hang out and for her to be cool and for her to think I'm cool. This doesn't seem like that much of a request, yet I know it is the absolute request.
So I am working on talking myself out of this ordeal. Looking for some bullshit silver lining for standing on the sidelines and saving face. Realistically, this is the smart move. I know I like this girl as a person and I don't need reason not to not and I don't need reason for things to be weird. The idea of starting as friends is cool with me, I hear that is how things should happen. I am incredibly attracted to this girl though, so I'd be going into it dishonestly if I acted like that was my intention.
Trying to pinpoint why this particular situation is so difficult is really bugging me. Do I need to know? Should I even be blogging about? If you are still reading this, I'm sorry, I imagine it a bore. My blog has turned into an epiphany of self-doubt without resolution. I will try to find something interesting to talk about in the future, like the fact I think marshmallows are evil or something. But for now you are stuck with this shitty babble.
So as I wrote this I have decided that I can't ask her out yet I will. I will keep you posted. I might be still dragging my feet next time I blog. Or I might be blogging about unrequited love and the challenges of being a 30 something aging hipster going to back to school, including lusting after something that will never happen. But that has always been something I do well.
Until next time- Cheers!
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