Old new blog

This is from my myspace blog, Feb of 08

I was reminded of it when I heard a Ryan Adams song today.

Hello all, this is my first attempt at blogging. A few of you have leaned on me to do it, so here goes. I first must explain that my grammar, sentence structure and the like are probably very poor. For this I apologize ahead of time.
As some of you may know the last three and half years have been a crazy ride for me. From about 1997 until about three years ago I was a horrible person to know. I left a path of destruction around me. My day's consisted of going to work only as a countdown til when I could drink myself into oblivion. Coupled with a terrible sense of self loathing I practically swore off everything that mattered to me. I was drinking 18-20 some odd beers a night, hated the sound of music, hated the fact that I had ever made music. I would drink until I passed out unable to deal with the regrets I had left behind.
After years of dealing with this life I realized that I was emotionally a wreck, dealing with anxiety issues as well as depression. I went to a doctor and thankfully he scared the shit out of me enough to quit drinking. However he did decide to put me on some drugs that made it hard for me and my family to function. I was literally a zombie, unable to converse or give a shit about anything. I was really confused, everyone told me how good I would feel when I stopped drinking but I felt worse. Silence and emptiness consumed me. My family finally drew a line in the sand and took me to a different doctor who soon got me on the right track with a change of medication. I was starting to feel like me again. Then one night at about 4 in the morning I woke up with a yearning to listen to music again. I blindly stumbled out of my room and picked a cd out of my case without even looking. I picked up Ryan Adams "Gold". For the next hour through a pair of headphones I listened. It was almost like hearing music for the first time again. I cried, laughed, danced, shadowboxed around my basement bursting with focus again. I realize that the support of my family is truely what got me though this difficult time. However that album, though it may not be an album which is groundbreaking or incredible played a huge role in me becoming me again. I know it might be little melodramic to say that that album saved my life, but in some ways it did. I will hold that album close forever.

Quoting Catapult and others

"I wanna be the light that burns out your eyes"- Catapult by Counting Crows

 "It was too much too soon, to shoot for the moon, when your coming from the sun"- She Was The One by Peter Holsapple and Chris Stamey

I guess I am focusing on light and such because lately things seem a bit brighter. Here's hoping it stays that way and that I don't stumble all over myself in the process.

Anyways, that's all for now.

Baja

I have recently rediscovered Chris Isaak's record, "The Baja Sessions". It is some of his previously recorded songs with a scaled back sound, as well as classic oldie's from the likes of Johnny Tillotson, Marty Robbins, Roy Orbison and others. I am absolutely loving it! So much to be said for understated, simple songs being sung with super smooth vocals and arranged beautifully. One thing I really love about Chris Isaak is that his music is not subtle in obvious rhymes, he goes there, unashamedly. Speaks of love as the endless torment that keeps us all clicking, for better or worse. Thinking about it deeply, that is very brave.

On the back of the CD, written almost like a liner note, Chris writes, "If you drive down the California coast and just keep goin' and goin', you'll find yourself in a place called Baja- more cactus than people, more time than worries and surrounded by the ocean and the sea. It's a great place to slow down and play your guitar and the perfect setting for romance. I hope these songs bring a little of Baja to you wherever you are."

This certainly sounds like a setting I am ready for. Even if in mind only. Things are changing and feeling good, I am slowing down and looking at the rolling hills and prairie. I guess that is my Baja. And now it is my turn to be brave.

Update

I've been needing to update this blog for quite a long time now as much has been happening it seems. It seems that way but as I go to tell it, I guess there isn't that much.

I graduated Northeast Community College on May 15th. This was pretty significant for me as it felt like a reflection point for the progess I've been making. I still have a ways to go, but it was good. I start Wayne State in the fall and am hoping that goes well. Change has stayed fairly constant for me the past few years and I think its been good for me.

Other exciting news is that we have reserved time in July to get my dad in the studio. I am really looking forward to getting some of his songs recorded for real. It will definitely be a memory to cherish for a long time to come. I have also starting chatting with a new, super cool chick. Here's hoping things go well on that front as the connection certainly feels legit and real.

So here is wishing all of you well, I will be trying to stay more active with this blog as summer is upon us and things have slowed down a bit.
Cheers-

Guess I'm gonna go it alone (Funny does not trump all)

So I did it. Sort of. I asked the girl if I could take her out sometime. As expected she was very sweet about it, but it seems that she isn't looking for anyone right now and doesn't date. Not sure that I buy that she doesn't date but I suppose I have no reason to not believe her. I kind of got the "friends" thing, but maybe she was just being polite. I am not opposed to being friends. I have in the past said things like, " I don't need anymore fuckin' friends", but I am cool with that. I don't have a whole lot of friends around where I live to start, and for some reason I feel that this girl is pretty awesome and perhaps I could learn things from her, a new perspective maybe.

I think I've mentioned that I am pretty good alone. I like alone time and don't get freaked out about not having a romantic partner in life. Sometimes though, the urge strikes. With this particular girl, it was sudden and strong, both of which are hard to ignore. Maybe I made a bigger deal out of this situation in my head but the strong feelings I have, like this don't come around often and I definitely am not one to ignore them. Nonetheless, I tried and failed. Like the Urge Overkill song says, " I guess I'm gonna go it alone.."

I heard somewhere that as long as you aren't all fucked up looking that "funny trumps all". This theory would explain Jaime Kennedy and Jennifer Love Hewitt, for instance. It is boastful to say, but I think I have moments when I'm pretty damn funny. I can amuse is what I am saying. I was hoping the "funny trumps all" theory would be something to put me over, to at least get a chance. Didn't work out that way.

I'm not gonna ramble on, I am admittedly pretty sad about it, but unfortunately its nothing new. So back to the drawing board perhaps? I don't know. It takes a lot of energy to be into someone, even more to get shot down. I still think she is a real hip, foxy chick, some fella will be super lucky whenever she decides thats what she wants. Damn, I do wish it was me.

Update

So I convinced myself today to end this silly crush, seeing that it wouldn't be fruitful. This lasted less than an hour. Seeing her again reinforced my unfortunate, eventual demise. Damn! I will keep you posted on how this continues to unfold.

On another front, I am working on a few songs! It seems like forever since I have done that. I've floundered about a few stinkers 3 or so years ago, but I think these have promise. I am feeling pretty stoked about it and am enjoying the creative process a bunch. It is a certain kind of high, perhaps this is why I can't find the nerve to ask this gorgeous woman out. A crash right now wouldn't be what I need. Excited as hell about the songs though, and I everytime I see her face.

Regretfully not yours...

Lately I have been seeing things posted on Facebook or other places about living life with no regrets. Basically, how we aren't to regret anything because everything happens for a reason and that whole jive. I think this theory to be complete bullshit. Granted, we are who we are because of choices we've made, but I think it is okay to regret some of those choices. It doesn't mean that we necessarily loathe the life we are living now, it just means we are reflective about things we could have done differently. I am not meaning to say life is to be spent looking in the rear-view mirror and that we should focus on those mistakes, just saying that it is okay to regret them. Saying that we don't regret them is a lazy way of accepting ourselves in a manner in that we can't make mistakes.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I have several regrets. The regrets that I think about aren't specific events (usually). I fucked up a lot and made a ton of mistakes, but what I concentrate on is the time I let fly by being unaware of a great big world, full of great big wonderful things. During the time I spent as a slave to alcohol, most people my age found their way. They may have found careers, wives, husbands; had daughters, sons and moments. The time I spent wasting away not believing in a god damn thing, is what I regret. I think its okay to regret that.

I am the first to admit that I envy. I envy the classmate who had his shit together and found a wife and a good job. Not because I want to be him, just I wish I would have given myself the chance to be him. I may not have done anything the way he did, but I'd have had the chance.

Through the age of technology, I have been able to find some friends in former classmates and various other folks along the way. Specifically, one married woman with whom I chat with frequently. I respect the fact that she is married and have no intention of doing anything to distract or disrupt her union. I just never really knew her before the last year or so and am now wondering why. Where was I when she was out finding her husband? Why was the world so far away from me then? I don't know, but knowing how much I enjoy conversating with her and sharing thoughts and opinions on things, I have to say in a boasting way that her husband is lucky I wasn't around. I would have gone to great lengths to have won the heart of this woman. Instead, I was alone with a 30 pack of Old Milwakee, fighting demons that I was too afraid to take on. I wasted at least 7 years doing nothing and believing nothing. Those of you who knew me during this time and are still around to be here for me, I owe a debt of gratitude unparalleled by any debt.

I am glad of what I am today. I feel like I am in a good place. I regret things, and that's okay. Those of you who say you live a life without regrets, I don't think I believe you.