Stiff Jabs and an Unpenetrable Defense

I am pretty much scared to post this next post because its something that I have been avoiding writing about, but I know I want to. I have avoided the subject with a "stiff jab and an unpenetrable defense. There is something about writing though that brings things around and shed light into situations you perhaps are hiding from.

A couple or so years back my best friend from age 12-22 killed himself. I don't call him my best friend because he no longer was. He had been my roommate with a couple of other fellas and I had decided to move home. He always liked to think of himself as a father figure or something, so he got mad when I moved home. The weird part for me about our falling out is that we never "had it out" or anything. Through friends I found out how disgusted he was with me and that was pretty much it. I don't even remember the last conversation I had with him. You would think that the ages that we were best friends might not be that impactful but he and I knew each other inside out. I knew the real him and him me. That's what I thought anyway. I still am pretty sure that is true. We loathed the fact that people would say that friends in high school never stay close because people change. It still stymies me that it happened to us. From all accounts the fella he turned into wasn't someone I'd want to be around anyways, but nontheless, he was my friend and I loved and always will love him.

I never understood suicide and won't pretend to now and am definitely not going to turn this into that sort of release. Because we had such a falling out I've had a hard time remembering the great times we had together in a positive light. I hate that. We did crazy stupid shit that was a blast. We dealt with break-ups, unrequited loves, and all the other bullshit that people go through. Those memories are so far away now and I don't understand it. If he hated me or is dead they regardlessly happened. I feel like I keep that part away from myself because I am not ready for it. I wonder if that's okay. When my mind goes there I keep a stiff jab and an unpenetrable defense up to keep me out of harm's way. It really pisses me off that I can't remember the good times correctly. It really weirds me out that someone who was that important to me just kind of faded away from me and I him. Unresolved issues are a bitch.

These thoughts are running around my head tonight, the eve of my 34th birthday. His birthday was the day after mine. We had some great birthdays together, I wish I could remember them now.

So as I shadowbox around my head tonight, doing the necessary things to stay victorious I just wanted to say outloud, because that's what words are to me. I love you, man, Happy Birthday to us.