Unrequited Love Never Felt Better (In Retrospect)

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, I thought I'd share a little quip about me from the past. Don't worry its not any self-reflective, self-loathing dribble. Well maybe just a little bit, but, oh well.

When I was a sophomore in high school I had an incredibly gigantic crush on a girl a grade above me. I had never spoke to her, just seen her from afar. I had no real idea of what she was about or anything, I just knew I loved her. So after months of agonizing infatuation I decided it was time to do something about it.

She was in my 9th period study hall, so there was no way for me to go talk to her. Maybe I had watched "Dead Poets Society" one too many times but I decided on a plan. I found all of the sappy love poems, lyrics, and philosophies that I liked, added a few of my own, and created 15 pages of unbridled notation on how she was incredible to me. I attatched a note saying who I was and how I felt and decided I was going to give it to her.

My friends were supportive yet realistic and asked me if this was really what I wanted to do. They saw the possibility of humiliation for me, but they knew I was determined. So I think it was spring, I'm not quite sure. On that spring day, I think it was a Thursday and we didn't have school on Friday for some reason, I decided I was going to do it. I was going to hand this pamphlet-thing to her during study hall.

I can still remember shaking and having to force myself out my chair to get permission from the teacher in the study hall, to approach her. I made up some story about needing to return some notes or something to her. So there I was, about to put it all out on the table. The girl who sat across from me was a friend and knew what I was doing. I think she admired it. I walked across the room, placed the poems in front of her and said, " I just wanted to give this to you." I sat down and got a play-by-play from my friend. She told me she was looking at them. Being the pessimist I was, I asked her if she had thrown them away. She hadn't but then my friend said, "Uh-oh!" "Oh my God, what?" I asked.

The girl of my dreams had looked at the poems, whispered something to the guy sitting by her, and passed it around to everyone in her vacinity, and was pointing at me. I don't remember much after that, except for staring at the clock. People were laughing at me, of course. I was devastated. As soon as the bell rang, I headed for home as soon as I could and took solace in my guitar. I called her later and the conversation was short. She asked me if she knew me and I said no, and then she hung up.

This was my first taste of unexaggerated, unrequited love. I'm pretty sure I thought my world was going the end, along with all the aminities of heartbreak at age 16. It was probably the mosty ballsy chance at love I had ever taken.

Thinking back now, it was awesome!!! What I wouldn't give for the exhileration of that moment. I did what I thought was 100% true, unapologeticly, for all to see. How awesome is that?

So Happy Valentine's Day all! Enjoy it! Even if it is a gross holiday, anytime to celebrate love is cool with me!

Stiff Jabs and an Unpenetrable Defense

I am pretty much scared to post this next post because its something that I have been avoiding writing about, but I know I want to. I have avoided the subject with a "stiff jab and an unpenetrable defense. There is something about writing though that brings things around and shed light into situations you perhaps are hiding from.

A couple or so years back my best friend from age 12-22 killed himself. I don't call him my best friend because he no longer was. He had been my roommate with a couple of other fellas and I had decided to move home. He always liked to think of himself as a father figure or something, so he got mad when I moved home. The weird part for me about our falling out is that we never "had it out" or anything. Through friends I found out how disgusted he was with me and that was pretty much it. I don't even remember the last conversation I had with him. You would think that the ages that we were best friends might not be that impactful but he and I knew each other inside out. I knew the real him and him me. That's what I thought anyway. I still am pretty sure that is true. We loathed the fact that people would say that friends in high school never stay close because people change. It still stymies me that it happened to us. From all accounts the fella he turned into wasn't someone I'd want to be around anyways, but nontheless, he was my friend and I loved and always will love him.

I never understood suicide and won't pretend to now and am definitely not going to turn this into that sort of release. Because we had such a falling out I've had a hard time remembering the great times we had together in a positive light. I hate that. We did crazy stupid shit that was a blast. We dealt with break-ups, unrequited loves, and all the other bullshit that people go through. Those memories are so far away now and I don't understand it. If he hated me or is dead they regardlessly happened. I feel like I keep that part away from myself because I am not ready for it. I wonder if that's okay. When my mind goes there I keep a stiff jab and an unpenetrable defense up to keep me out of harm's way. It really pisses me off that I can't remember the good times correctly. It really weirds me out that someone who was that important to me just kind of faded away from me and I him. Unresolved issues are a bitch.

These thoughts are running around my head tonight, the eve of my 34th birthday. His birthday was the day after mine. We had some great birthdays together, I wish I could remember them now.

So as I shadowbox around my head tonight, doing the necessary things to stay victorious I just wanted to say outloud, because that's what words are to me. I love you, man, Happy Birthday to us.