Babbling about love as an enigma

"It's a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma" this is how David Ferries described the conspiracy to shoot President John F. Kennedy. For me its a way to describe love, the romantic kind anyway. I have thought long and hard about this and my opinion on love has varied over the years. As a young man I was determined to find it, loved to write about it, and loved to chase it. In my twenties I thought of it as a waste of time. And now, as I approach my 34th birthday, I have no idea.

I have gotten so used to being alone that I think that perhaps my routines and idiosyncratic behavior may be too much to overcome for whomever I may meet along the way. The thing is that I like being alone, most of the time. I like the peace and solitude of having time 100% to yourself. I find that during this time I can think about things cleary and have complete control of what is going on with me. I am by no means a control freak, however, in typing the last sentence makes me begin to wonder. What I don't like about being alone are times when I am forced to think about being alone. These times are being a third wheel with a couple of whom I enjoy both's company, New Year's eve, and while people watching occasionally seeing a couple where it is evident that their being together makes sense. These are only a few examples but you get the idea. Maybe part of the reason love has eluded me is that I don't know what to do with it when I stumble upon it. I am seriously bad at being a boyfriend. I either for no reason that I can even explain either get bored and end things or I am a smothering idiot who doesn't know how to handle the overflow of emotions of being with someone I am truely excited about.

I see many beautiful women daily. I am awestruck at the beauty of so many women. I no longer have any idea what to say to them which would make myself appealing to them. I can conversate with damn near anyone, but if it is a woman I think of myself as a potential suiter with I talk about random stuff which in no way shows them that I am interested. It is just as well though, I suppose I am content. I think about women a lot, which is natural. I don't wear my desperation on my sleeve like I think I had for a while. It is what it is, and I have no idea what it is. But at least I know that I don't know what it is?

Shadowboxing Fragments

I named this blog "Shadowboxing Fragments" because I sometimes think of myself in fragments. I see myself in pieces distributed throughout different things, times, and places. Shadowboxing refers to practicing with one's own self. This blog will in part be me practicing to be a better person. Some of it may be ridiculous. Some may be completely absurd random thoughts that I even disagree with by the time I am done letting them out. I hope not to offend anyone. I hope this is a vehicle to help me in many ways and if you are along for the ride, awesome. I am puzzled about what to write about but will figure it out. I am hoping to hide less inside the fragments, we will see how it goes.